


Basilisk Juice

by Rinwee09



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drinking, F/F, F/M, M/M, dumb shit, why did i think this needed to be written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:41:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25497772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rinwee09/pseuds/Rinwee09
Summary: Sirius and James concoct a new drink to get them and their friends absolutely wrecked as a last hurrah.This is basically "What if "The Fight" episode of Parks and Rec happened at Hogwarts?" A question no one asked but I have the answer for.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	Basilisk Juice

“Basilisk Juice!” Sirius shouted, throwing his arms up in victory. “Only the absolute finest liquor!”

“High end! Exclusive! Limited batch!” James cried as he grabbed four goblets between his fingers, Sirius uncorking a suspicious looking glass bottle and pouring a tiny amount of the reddish brown liquid into each glass.

“Basilisk Juice? That’s a mouthful isn’t it? What did you put in it?” Remus inquired.

“A little firewhiskey, some coffee, a little of this, some of that. I have a dozen bottles.” James said dismissively.

“Just try it, come on,” Sirius prodded Remus’ chest with the base of the goblet.

“It’s 140 proof, 70% alcohol,” James bragged.

“You can do maths, that’s great,” Remus sighed and sat next to Peter on James’ bed. He skeptically took the goblet, clearly nicked from the kitchens, and smelled it. “It smells like rat poison. You expect us to just blindly drink this shit?”

“Yes!” James cried again. He linked arms with Sirius and they both downed their goblet in one swig. “It’s delicious, mate, trust me. Would I market something this heavily to you if it would kill me and jeopardize my future with Evans? Look, if you don’t love it I’ll...” He paused, frantically glancing around the room and when his eyes landed on Sirius he lit up in an awful grin. “I’ll shave Sirius’ head!”

Sirius let out an offended squawk, to the delight of Remus. He looked at Peter for a moment before grinning and announcing with confidence “I’d like to see that.” He and Peter clinked glasses and tipped the liquid into their mouths.

“There’s a lot riding on this,” Sirius muttered.

“Woah, that’s delicious!” Remus said looking at the sugary residue on the glass, though his expression did not reflect much pleasure. He looked up at Sirius and James, worried at what was coming now. Phase one complete, phase two who knows. “Alright. So you’ve got us on board and I'm going to regret asking thing but...what do we do with this?”

“We have a party. Greenhouse 11. Tonight!” James said while Peter tried to stand from the bed and nearly took a bottle to the nose from James gesturing wildly.

“Only 7th year Gryffs and ‘Puffs have been invited, so it won’t be THAT wild.” James explained. 

“We’re all of age, Rem.” Sirius plopped himself down on the bed next to Remus, effectively knocking Remus over into him. Sirius wrapped an arm around Remus, “C’mon, let down that Prefect hair for once!”

“Alright, alright, alright--” Remus pretended to cave, but there was little Sirius could ask him to do that he would actually say no to. “Fine. What time should we be there?”

~~~

Ten o’clock rolled around far too quickly and Remus was desperately trying to concentrate on finishing his potions essay before the party. He and Peter were the only ones in the room, James and Sirius left hours ago with the map to set up.

“Ready?” Peter asked from across the room at his own desk. 

“Merlin, Pete. What are we getting into.” Remus smiled mischievously before jumping up from his desk and throwing a cardigan over his t-shirt. It had been a warm September, and honestly James and Sirius couldn’t have picked a better night for this party.

"Nothing more than the usual, honestly." Peter slipped under James invisibility cloak and Remus had to nod and hum his agreement. 

He pinned his Prefect badge to his lapel as cover for being out of bed and lead the way down the tower, across the castle, and onto the grounds without so much as coming across Filch’s cat. Remus silently wondered if Felix Felicis was somehow involved in this night. He wouldn’t put it past James.

They made it to Greenhouse 11, which was already dimly lit with spinning and colorful orbs and was positively bumping with music. They pushed the door open and stepped in, immediately bombarded with loud praise.

“Remus!” Sirius threw his arms around Remus, kissing his cheek and nearly spilling the tall shot glasses of Basilisk Juice in his hand. “Come in, come on, dance! Let's goooooo!”

“Woah there mate, how much catching up have I got to do?” Remus took a glass and downed it quickly. He leaned into the moment, deciding to let go of the pull in his stomach that told him to leave and he'd rather be reading in bed.

“You have NO idea, come on! Come hang!” Sirius slurred. Remus was handed and downed two more shots on the way to the dance floor. He quickly felt himself slipping away as the room seemed to pitch softly to the side.

They danced, close and hot, for what must have been hours and eventually found themselves at a table where Marlene McKinnon, Dorcas Meadowes, James, and Lily were sat. Peter was lost to the mass of teenage debauchery, but somehow Remus didn’t care and he hadn't cared for a long time.

“S’up ‘lene?” Sirius stumbled. More drinks had arrived on the table and Remus wondered somewhere far away in his mind if James had charmed the place to keep refilling cups.

“She told me that when she doesn’t she can’t,” Dorcas was shouting over the music, eyes barely open, and pointing at Remus trying desperately to understand her. “So I told her that when she can’t she tells me that, that this bitch over there! Her!” Dorcas threw a hand behind her and jabbed a finger at a random Hufflepuff who looked just as confused as everyone who had heard Dorcas. She hiccuped and Remus was still attempting to form her sounds into words his inebriated brain could understand. Meaning flitted away quickly

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Marlene brushed her hair out of her face and patted Dorcas hard on the back.

“I just think that maybe when we all just stop and think about what it is we just shouldn’t live together,” Dorcas sobbed.

“Maybe! Maybe we shouldn’t!” Marlene, suddenly clearly furious, slammed her glass to the table and left. Dorcas buried her face in her hands.

Lily calmly stood from the table, sloppily dumped another glass in her mouth, then demanded another from James. “Gimme another Bass juice. Baslick juice.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea for you right now, love,” James said cautiously.

“Fuck you and what you stand for. Davey!” Lily shouted into the crowd.

“Yes. I’m here. Yes.” Davey Gudgeon appeared behind Lily completely out of thin air.

“Come dance up on me,” Lily spitefully turned from the table and headed toward the dance floor.

“Yes, yes, yes, yes, ” Davey repeated enthusiastically and followed Lily all the way across the greenhouse and out of earshot.

“Who the hell is Davey? He’s just like that guy, y’know? And he just, he’s only like me but taller?” James shouted, red in the face and intoxicatedly angry.

“What?” Remus giggled. He was aware of how quickly his control slipped from his fingertips. 

Feeling the night slip away from him, he felt warm and comfortable in Sirius’ arms. Sirius spun him around and the music quieted to dull white noise. He pulled Remus into a gentle kiss that lasted a split second before there was a sudden quietness falling over the greenhouse.

A bright light shined from the door, blinding the room and sobering Remus quickly. Sirius lips left a scorching stain on his.

“James Potter!” Shouted a figure from the doorway. Every student in the greenhouse knew that voice, that accent, too well.

“Oh fucking hell,” James slurred from the back of the greenhouse. “What now, eh? What fresh hell has come for me this night?”

Remus watched, horrified, as James shuffled his way through the crowd.

“Minnie! Quel surprise!” Sirius jumped to the front of the greenhouse, attempting to look more sober than he was and failing as he swayed on his feet. “ I thought you didn’t get my invitation, I was absolutely crushed you didn’t show. But here you are!”

“Don’t even try, Mister Black. I am well aware of the kind of night this has been,” Professor McGonagall looked and sounded furious, though not any more furious than the time they set off 157 dung bombs in the Great Hall right before the welcome feast their fifth year.

“Professor, it’s just, ” James had arrived and was speaking very slowly. “It’s just some...seventh years having a uh...a last hurrah!” He looked very ill.

“In September?” she shrieked.

“Who’s September?”

“Mister Potter, gather up all your friends and follow me back to the castle. All of you are to return to your dorms immediately. No lolligagging.”

“Oh, there will be gagging on lollies. I can promise you that. Right Siri?” Remus laughed, believing he said it under his breath but in fact had loudly announced it to the greenhouse. Sirius coughed and stared at him.

“Merlin’s pants. Everyone back to the castle, let’s go!” McGonagall announced and held her lit wand above her head leading the students back to the castle across the dark grounds. “I expect to see all of you in my class tomorrow morning, yes? Punishments will be dealt with then.”

Remus walked next to Sirius, arm in arm. Though it was more like they were carrying each other as neither could properly stand anymore. 

“Yknow, James is like that guy he’s like an elephant, yknow? He walks into a room and it’s like ‘okay, he’s in there’ right?” Remus rambled, hair falling in his eyes.

Sirius pulled his hair back into a ponytail, babbling nonsense French dirty talk at Remus as he did so. “J’veux dire que j’ai un cul seulement pour toi mais t’as dit non non c’est sale genre c’est genial, oui?”

Remus simply smiled and nodded like he understood.

~~~

No one was quite sure how they got into bed last night, all they knew was that class started in 15 minutes and if they weren’t in McGonagall’s class there would be hell to pay. As far as the Marauder’s dorm knew, no one had gotten so much as a points deduction for the party and they were skating on absurdly thin ice.

Remus landed in his seat with two minutes before the bell. McGonagall wasn’t even in the room herself yet so he chanced a look around the classroom. Every Hufflepuff and Gryffindor in the room looked how he felt. Grey and suspiciously sweaty. Sirius sat next to him with his head buried under his cloaks somewhere while Peter was already asleep sitting upright in his chair on Remus’ other side.

As the bell rang in the hall, the class groaned in near perfect unison. Which was probably just as well because at that moment McGonagall arrived and let the classroom door slam shut loudly behind her. Lily Evans groaned with a frustration Remus had not heard since James asked her to Hogsmeade eight times in one day.

“Fucking rude,” James mumbled as he crawled out from under his desk wearing sunglasses and a sweatshirt pulled over his hair instead of robes. “Some of us are trying to sleep off an absurd hangover.”

“I am well aware of that Mister Potter. I remember the details of last night, let’s see if you do.” She was clearly speaking well above her normal volume on purpose. The entire classroom recoiled, which Remus assumed was the intended reaction. She walked around the classroom, knocking her wand loudly on the desks of sleeping students as she spoke of responsibility and being role models for younger students. How lucky they were they didn't die of alcohol poisoning, and how disappointed she was.

“Is this...is this what hell feels like?” Sirius whispered just before McGonagall tapped on their desk.

“But I imagine that your current states are punishment enough. Many of you look ready to vomit and I can't have the house elves interrupting my next class to clean it up. 

“So,” McGonagall lowered her voice finally. “Go back to your dorms, take a shower, ALL of you, and arrive to your next classes ready to be the seventh year students I expect you all to be.”

“Oh thank God,” Remus breathed as the classroom began to shuffle towards the door.

“One more thing, class!” McGonagall shouted louder than before eliciting a collective groan from the students. “I want a 10 inch essay regarding the dangers of apparating under the influence for next class!”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks


End file.
